Part 36
Settling in Southampton was so easy, it felt effortless. I was in an English speaking country which obviously always makes things easier and I could flush toilet paper down the toilet. My flat was equipped with a kitchen for me to prepare my own meals and I could walk to the market which had familiar foodstuff and other items I could purchase with a credit card. My yoga school, where i would be practicing 6+ times a week and also teaching two or more of those days was also within walking distance. It was nearing the end of summer and the weather was beautiful. I spent a lot of time outdoors in the dry air, appreciating the well kept gardens of the traditional British culture after having my morning coffee in one of Her many cozy cafes. I read and wrote; I reflected. I wondered how on Earth I got so lucky and I continued with devotion to pray in sincere gratitude for the abundance that was offered so freely. But most of all, I practiced yoga. After all, that's what I was there for. That's what I'd been on the road for. That's what all of this was about... Wasn't it..?
Part 37
The only obligation I had was teaching yoga a few times a week. This left me free in my own space to really dedicate myself to exploring my practice. Using the tools and technology transmitted to me by Steve, I vowed to deliver to myself as sincere of a devotion to the mat as I could. What's more and the best thing about this all, was that through takes with my teacher and my own reflections and meditations, I steadily woke up more and more to the realization that the yoga practice was really integrated into every part of life. Practice was somewhat irrelevant or even redundant on the mat. This was living yoga. It became apparent to me that we dedicated ourselves to showing up on the mat so we could be absolutely present to our reality in every moment beyond the mat. I think I knew this before, in fact I know I did... But I continued to avoid it. Before, I was using practice as a means of escape. Now I was using it as means of celebration. I was quickly developing a romance with all of life, not just the moments of breakthrough during a defined 'yoga practice'. As this romance emerged, steadily my actual practice revealed itself to me. It was becoming an offering of myself. I was no longer demanding anything. I simply would arrive and that was it. These shifts started bringing such clarity towards... Everything! And slowly, gradually, the ever present Source of my existence began to peak Its head as if some cosmic game of hide and seek was dancing with me to some distant tune that I could only catch in fleetingly delightful moments...
Part 38
The day's carried onward. I knew not how long I'd stay in Southampton and had no plans to move forward. For once, my mind took a rest on its constant pursuit of solving 'the' problem. As this happened, meditations deepened and an ever present awareness of the breath developed. Sleep naturally shortened and my intake of food lessened until I was sleeping from 10 pm to 4 am and eating one meal a day, with an additional hot milk in the morning and perhaps tea at night. I was doing 4+ hours of asana or physical yoga practices a day, with a longer amount of time specified towards breathing exercises. Meditation happened spontaneously and would arise frequently, but especially got interesting at the end of one of three dedicated mat practices I would take part in daily. I knew not what I was after only that what was happening felt right and allowed myself to be swept into the momentum of it. While it appears like discipline, I think it's safe to say that discipline does not exist when what you do and what you love are the same thing. It is something that is a joy to partake in, because it extends so much further beyond the short term gratification that another option might entail. I continued to surrender myself over and over to this mystery as my mind struggled to figure out if being so apparently hardcore was necessary. I had no choice....
Part 39
It was Monday, and a full moon. How auspicious - monday, moon-day. I'm not superstitious but stuff really starts to appear interconnected when we just start noticing it all. Anyways - I made my nightly travel to the Sanctuary to practice an asana flow then sit for an hour of spinal breathing followed by meditation. Steve taught one class per week specific to this kriya, known as spinal breathing, which stems from the lineage of Babaji and Yogananda Paramahansa. Some of you may have read 'the Autobiography of a Yogi'. It's those guys. The OGs of bringing real yoga to the West. Spinal breathing is the means that we bringing our attention to the current of life energy flowing up and down the spine, by focusing our breath there. This is the intersection of spirit and matter. The spirit being our breath: to inspire, from our Latin root 'spirare' which means 'to take on life'. Matter being physical life aka biology, centralized as the axis of our spine. Connect these two and what do we get? Let's do it and find out...
Part 40
I sat comfortably upon my meditation cushion and gradually my outer body softened. I could feel my spine rise like a spring up and out of my pelvis, and the ebb and flow of breath making small expansions and contractions throughout my physical body. It felt like I was breathing through my skin and that my whole body was pulsing with this movement. As much awareness that I had of my physical vessel, I was able to steadily relax it more, and more, and more... I picked up the thread of my inhale and exhale and began to follow it closely. The inhale would meet the exhale, and return itself with an inhale. All of my attention was on this movement of breath. As the mind grew into a single pointed focus, I began to notice small spaces between the two breaths. It seemed like the movement of breath itself shortened and the gaps lengthened, yet there was this cyclical, circular nature to it all. The circle appeared or rather felt like it was shrinking. I started losing track of where the breath 'began' or when it 'ended'. The spaces between were more familiar, more comfortable. I felt like I could relax there. Over time I lost complete track of my body and was only aware of this tiny cycle of breath... A very, very faint and slow tiny sip of air in, a long pause.... And a very, glacially slow release of air out, another eternal pause.... At some point during all of this the breath just stopped. Complete cessation of breath, involuntarily. For how long, i have no idea. But during that time; there was none. I think I had catapulted my consciousness outside of linear time and space, but just reflecting on this and trying to comprehend it intellectually confuses even myself, the experiencer. I'll do my best to explain. The light grew stronger and if I had to define it by physical location, it appeared to emanate and radiate outward from my third eye or pineal gland. As it expanded, the awareness that was behind it all broadened its view. No specific image or visualization took form other than pure light, but as this light grew and took on the 'shape' of something beyond 360 degree form, I 'knew' that everything existed or exists because of and through this shape. It was as if I was seeing every manifest thing in its Unmanifest form. I had a glimpse into a formless void, which is impossible to see with our eyes of perfection or even to comprehend with our minds. In that eternal moment, everything made sense because there was nothing other than what I was witness of, or to. Or maybe I just became acutely aware of pure witnessing. I don't know. I still struggle with this one because it's impossible to really put into words. However, i do know that for however long this occurred, I was filled with absolute love. Not any human defined love, but pure, divine love. The love of all existence. I was bathed in it, I was merging into it. I had become it. And whilst in that space, I suddenly felt a tug for below. Like a faint whisper in my ear awakening me from a dream, my body, and identity as a human named Grant, began to call. Only it wasn't a dream, it was the realest of all things that I had ever been blessed with experiencing. Yet just like that, after the infinite moment of this love affair with something beyond name and form, I was pulled back into the physical with a painful inhale. It was like the first breath ever received. It tore my lungs asunder. And even though it was still faint, I gradually noticed the circle of breath broadening again. Increasing its diameter. With such, the sensations of my body became more clear. My seat was uncomfortable. My leg was asleep. How long was I there?? What .. The..!fuck was that?! Despite all this confusion in my thoughts, an underlying sense of calm, peace and fulfillment remained with me. Although the womb of love that i merged into and then arose from remained as only a memory, the tether of light connecting me there through my breath was apparent as if a tangible reality and not the illusion of some dream or memory. And with all this, I knew. My 'work' was done. It was time to go home....
