You know those defining moments of your life?
The ones where you know that, once opening that door, you've just embarked upon a quest with an unknown destination, and nothing will ever be the same?
These sorts of things are happening on a micro scale every day, every moment really. But certainly there are one or several times in our lives where we took that leap of faith and discovered that everything we truly want is and has always been right on the other side of that door of fear.
Allow me to share one of these radically transforming moments. It happened almost three years ago exactly, the moment I realized that I was going to leave my career as a mortgage consultant and the ever-growing paycheck that I was seeing month to month, to enter into a completely new an unknown path. The incredible thing was in watching it all unfold, like some mysterious drama, as I remained totally bewildered by the ride I had entered into.
SCNM. Those letters, all capitals, flashed in my head after a yoga practice at the end whilst laying in savasana meditating. It was the most concrete visualization I have ever received in my entire life - so distinct, in fact, that it shook me to full alertness from that half-conscious state that we enter into when we are in a totally relaxed and surrendered state. I sped home and wrote the letters down in my journal. What did they mean? I didn't know, but I knew at the deepest of levels in my soul that this message was extremely important.
At the time I was entering into my third year working for a corporation, having moved gradually up the ladder of material success yet achieving no lasting fulfillment outside of those fleeting moments where you catch a glimpse of eternity. You know what I mean? Like, no matter what was happening in your life, you suddenly just feel a profound peace wash over you, and before you know it, it's gone, leaving you grasping at thin air for that feeling of utter contentment and everlasting peace that the great masters and sages of old have promised exists in all human beings.
So there I was - in a love affair between my budding spiritual existence and the successful material life that we all learn at an early age is the key to happiness. Practicing yoga and meditation every day, yet driving to a job that I inherently knew was not the end all, be all of Grant Ifflander. It was a difficult rock to be stuck between, and as the pressure continued to build, I started to have these gradual "wake up calls" to a bigger reality. A reality that I was starting to see more and more often, and it was clear that the more I practiced, the more "it" was revealed to me. What was that reality? Was living in alignment with "it", this thing (if we want to call it anything at all), the key to my lasting fulfillment?
Cue: savasana, corpse pose. Deep relaxation. Meditative awareness, a surrender to the Universe, to allow insight to more readily slip into our dense consciousness. SCNM!
Fast forward to a month later, on my birthday. Still no clue what SCNM meant, still experiencing a pressure to quit my job but not knowing the next step. My parents inform me that they are taking me out for my birthday dinner, my favorite - sushi. We meet at the restaurant, my mom hands me a little gift bag with a few things in it. A card. Some thoughtful item, perhaps a book (I love books). And then she passes me something and says "oh, here - we got this in a mail at our house, but for some reason thought you might be interested." It was a pamphlet to a Naturopathic medical school here in my home town. Now, the interesting thing is that I never expressed my interest towards medicine or healing to my parents. As far as they knew, I was a committed mortgage banker devoted to my career and my passion as a weightlifter. They did know of my sincere interest in nutrition, but that was as far as their awareness extended into my desires to learn about human health.
I looked at the top of the pamphlet and almost fell out of my seat. Southwest College for Naturopathic Medicine. SCNM. It took me a few moments to recover. I couldn't figure out what to say, so I didn't say anything but "oh, thanks." I slipped it away for later viewing. How could I explain to my parents the profound nature of this experience? I decided to keep it to myself. It would take a lot of writing and a few years of my path unfolding before the mind-blowingly cosmic implications of such a sign would even make sense to anyone, including myself.
I knew it was the key. Well, maybe not THE key, but A key. To what, exactly? For starters, it was sparked the movement of me to leave my career behind. Turns out the pamphlet was an advertising for a new student orientation event being held a month from that day, on the campus just a few miles from my home. I had no idea where this was leading me, but I had to go. So I went.
A series of events began unfolding as I followed this trail of bread crumbs. I went to the orientation, set up a meeting with a counselor that day, and figured out what community college courses I needed to take to supplement my bachelor's degree in business administration from ASU so I could begin my studies and eventually enter into a career as a naturopathic doctor. If I was to do it at all in a timely manner, I needed to enroll in community college courses ASAP and the only option was summer school and classes began in only a few months. It meant that I had to quit my job so I could have the time to resume the full-time student role. Things were moving so fast, but I kept feeling a greater sense of trust as I opened again and again to these mysterious opportunities as they arose...
And there you have it - the final judgment call I needed to receive to leave my career behind for good. At the time, I was convinced this was it. It all made sense to me. Of course it did... Ha! How tricky the Universe is when we make the mistake of believing that we've finally "got it". I was going to be a naturopathic doctor and that was it. Yoga was my passion, and I wanted to incorporate that as part of my treatment programs once I entered into formal practice as a doc.
If you're reading this, and have gotten this far, then we could both agree: life always has other plans. My life is an example. Obviously I did not become a naturopath - not even close, I didn't even make it through the prequisites as a community college student. Yet everything is truly a blessing in disguise. Leaving my corporate career was just one step in the direction of an unseen reality, a reality that is only accessible when our hearts are open and our being is rooted in unshakable faith. Faith in the unknown. To take the leap and know that the net will appear. To open that door that is guarded by an ugly as heck, multi-headed dragon named Fear; each head representing a different aspect of our fears: distrust, uncertainty, worry, doubt, selfishness, greed, laziness.... All of these stem from the same source. It is the dark side of the moon. The shadow side of our self. Yet none of them are true - they are all illusions, for it is the Light the casts the shadow to begin with. If you want to find the light, trace the shadow back to its Source.... then, what do you get?
Do it and you'll find out. I could tell you, or I could show you, but I cannot do it for you. No one can. I can only do it for myself, and trust me - I am doing my gosh dang best. Because even today, fear still creeps in and prevents me from doing many, many things that would allow me to live a more expansive life. I am working hard every day to open and grow. It's not necessarily 'easy', but what are the other options? What I consider them, this path I speak of doesn't seem so hard after all. The truth is (to me, at least), it is the only option.
And that is what allows me to carry onward, despite those ugly demons that lurk in the dark spots of my consciousness, waiting to capture my heart in their grip and squeeze the life out of my soul. It really is the ageless, timeless battle spoken of in all myths and stories, in all religious paths and spiritual disciplines. It is the battle between light and dark. God and Satan. Call it whatever you want to call it - we all know it. Which one will win? Whichever one I choose. Choose wisely.