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Not knowing what's next. It's what we are all afraid of. We try so hard to pretend that we somehow have it figured out - that we somehow know what tomorrow will bring. We plan and plan and worry and worry and concern ourselves with somehow memorizing the future. We are afraid that somehow, what we are doing right now in this moment is not enough, and that if tomorrow comes we will not have been adequately prepared for it. And ironically, we are right. And paradoxically, this drives us forward and motivates us towards the pursuit of a higher objective. It is both beneficially inspirational and cripplingly draining. We struggle to find the balance in the chaotic mental activity that accompanies such a dilemma. We pray and meditate for peace amidst the internal struggle and still, we do not know. We could never know, and that is the mystery we are being asked to embrace.
Maybe I speak for myself. Maybe I'm the only one struggling through these phases of uncertainty and fear and latching on to old habits and feeling out-of-control. Maybe. For some reason I don't think I am. For some reason, when I write, I feel like I am connecting to at least one other being. Am I talking to myself in another dimension? What if everyone else IS me, in another 'dimension'? And part of my work here is to figure out how to connect the dots, so to speak, and unify them all under one dimension? If I can achieve this even temporarily, I have completed my mission. I feel like we are always doing this, and these are just my words to explain the common interest all humans are after. We all seek genuine and authentic connection with another. That's it. That's all we are after. To love and be loved. To feel like someone actually understands us and sees us. That's the thing!
As I write this I am reminded just how valuable connection is. I am shown in the long dark halls of my memory mansion, the rooms that lit up with smiling experiences. I have been blessed with many of these in my lifetime. I pray only to be blessed with many more, and to contribute in some way to providing this for others.
I'm not after much. I truly believe no one is really after what we see them after - as in, what they appear to be after. It is the fear of the unknown that drives us towards the hoarding, the constant pursuit of an additional item to add to our collection so we can feel better about life. The workshop or the vacation or the relationship or the new recipe or the yoga class or the mystical experience or the perfect handstand or... shit, just a good night's sleep and waking up to feel rested and actually excited for the next day. Damn, I hope I'm not just speaking for myself in this but if I am, fuck it. I'm open. I'm broken. I'm lost and confused. And you know what? I am okay. I'm not going to pretend like I am these things and I am not those things. Because I understand that the power of my being is to assume the form of whatever container I choose to put it into. I'm not being facetious nor am I being prideful - I'm just being real. It is the truth of what we are.
The truth of what we are...? The truth. What we are. For we are the Truth. Everything that ever was, was because we were there to make it so. Do you see? Do you actually see that all the good that ever happened in your life, you were the One to experience it? All the "bad"? We are just labeling them one way or another, just as we named all the animals and were 'given' dominion over them. As humans, we are waking up to our birthright as Creators. What are we creating? It is in this moment. We are creating the connection we are after.
We are going through the motions, pretending we are looking for one thing and finding something else entirely in the process of searching. We trick ourselves into thinking that life will be better once "the stars align" and our day looks the way we want it to look, and in doing so we cast a shadow over the way it is now. It can only get 'better' if we are able to recognize it's inherent perfection in this moment. Nothing is wrong with NOW. All of the things that appear to be misaligned and all of the issues that seem insurmountable now, all of the gaps between us and what we think we want, they are all here in service to us.
We're being shown a great many things. We get to feel the contrast. Feel it all, my friend. The changes we are wishing for are coming. The intentions we've been setting are manifesting themselves in ways we cannot imagine. Maintain a steady investment into yourself. Keep opening and being vulnerable. Allow yourself to be triggered and pushed away, and also allow yourself to feel the pull of attraction. Give yourself to the currents of life, and for a moment allow it to take you instead of you taking it. Life is a constant give and take. An ebb and a flow. While it is true that our will is sometimes aligned with a greater will and everything seems easy and fun and flowing, sometimes it is not that way and we aren't meant to be upset or disturbed by this. It is just part of this divine game occurring behind the scenes, preparing us for the next major push forward. Take your time and give yourself permission to join in with the crowd. I promise you won't lose anything - we cannot regress in this path. While perhaps it is true, that we CAN un-learn patterns and habits, we CANNOT un-experience anything.
Life has its way of taking care of us, no matter what. Be still, and know that. Remember the Truth. Pray wholeheartedly and ask for guidance. Be open and curious. Trust and love, and trust IN love. Find peace in the storm, and appreciate yourself without comparing to how it once was or how it could be. Be where you are at, and from here, take the next step. Into empty space. The unknown that we are all afraid of becomes less of a place to be feared and more of a place of discovery. It's here that those connections are found. That even though we are looking for something known and defined, we are surprised by the mysteries of what we actually find on the way. And damn, those mysteries are surely better than something we can come up with all on our own. Relax and surrender to the mystery.